I am my own worst enemy when it comes to (potential) relationships. I manage to convince myself that someone MIGHT want to be with me, and then in the same breath I turn around and persuade myself that no one could bear to spend time with me. The root of my internal rhetoric is not only my self-esteem issues but also my phobia of, well, rejection.
Spoiler alert: I am human.
Between telling guys how much I suck (see this post) and not even having the guts to talk to them in general, I am really not doing myself any favours when it comes to dating. I have the nasty habit of letting myself OVERanalyze EVERYTHING that happens when it comes to me and the many men in my life (ha). My best friend knows this, and she is not shy about telling me it either.
I will be gushing nonsensically about someone who I am convinced I am in total Luv with, when all of a sudden I flip the switch and decide he HATES me, could never want to be with me, and I may as well quit while I am ahead. This leaves my best friend with her head spinning, because she can’t understand how I get from point A (being in LOVE) to point B (hating my LIFE) without even having a real conversation with the guy. & to tell you the truth, neither do I. I have always been the type of person who can take up residence in my head at a moments notice, and although this is an asset at times it has also become increasingly detrimental to my romantic life. I take interactions in my daily life, pack them up and take them with me to set up camp in my head. This is where I tend to overanalyze everything that happens to me, and occasionally I come up with conclusions SO ridiculous, my BFF is more than half convinced I straight-up fabricated them.
This revelation made me consider that maybe it is my over-analytical, crazy, slightly deranged, and unnecessarily imaginative psyche to blame for my current solo existence. In other words, being single is my own damn fault, because I think way to fucking much about things that don’t even matter in the scheme of things.
I need to evict myself from the place inside my head where I go whenever I need to over-analyze a situation, and rid myself of the little voice that tells me I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough for anyone of merit to want to be around. I need to get rid of the chickenshit that dominates my every move.
Maybe if I just got over myself, and let my heart do the talking/walking and my mind do the fucking-off, I would have a boyfriend.