40. Maybe it’s my lack of motivation?

I am lazy in love.

It’s odd… I am usually not a lazy person: I keep myself & my space tidy, I go to the gym on a (somewhat) regular basis, and I am no stranger to labour — physical, mental, or otherwise. But when it comes to my romantic endeavours I lack the motivation to make and/or maintain a relationship.

I don’t know what it is. I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have to try — Rom-coms have ruined me in that respect. Hollywood love stories make it all seem so easy: chance meetings turn instantly into life-long romances. It’s obviously not realistic, but I see it so much that I have been habituated to believe that is what I should expect.

I guess I feel like I should have achieved the stereotypical Hollywood romance by this point… And I am discouraged by the fact that I haven’t.

I think that I should be in a different place in my life. I feel like I should be in a healthy, long-term relationship by now… Instead, I am avoiding the hassle of a relationship.

I am lagging behind in life; I am lagging behind in Love… I need to get my shit together. I need to actually try… I need to quit messing around — in both the literal and figurative sense — and focus on finding the Dean to my Audrey.

Casual sex is easy. In the words of my BFF’s mum: Getting laid ain’t hard. What I find difficult is forming and maintaining a normal healthy relationship with a normal healthy guy. I seem to be programmed to take the easy route: I don’t know if it’s because I need to feel wanted, or if I am afraid of commitment, or if it’s because I am lacking any and all motivation to work on a relationship. What I do know is that I am over it. I am over the awkward morning-afters, and the uncertainty of whether or not I will ever hear from the last guy whose dick I had in my mouth.

I am past that stage of my life where casual sex is appropriate. I don’t need a friend with benefits… I need a boyfriend.

This is my time for a relationship — I am going to set aside my slothful, work-shy, sluggish, lethargic, lax and overtly lackadaisical attempts at love & start fresh. I am going to try & pursue a man not for the sole purpose of getting it in. I am going to attempt to let myself fall into a relationship, and hopefully fall in love.

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