46. Maybe it’s my lack of focus?

Well, I’m home. & I am really not too happy about it.

I LOVED Toronto. It was such a great experience being in a city like that; I actually felt like I fit in there… I felt like that is where I belong. & I haven’t felt I belonged anywhere in a VERY long time.

Trust me, I’m fucking weird.

Alas, I am back in good ol’ Edmonton (boy, did I miss the oil sands… not), and my biggest concentration for the next year & a bit is going to be to get myself in a place emotionally, physically, and financially where I will be comfortable enough to move cross-country and stake a claim on a tiny (possibly filthy) apartment in a (possibly seedy) part of Toronto because THAT is how badly I want to be there.

Sorry mum.

It has been longer than I care to admit since I have actually had a goal like this. & I must say, it’s really rather empowering to have something to strive for. I am realizing now — with a little help from my BFF — that I have just been existing lately. I haven’t really DONE anything. I haven’t really ACCOMPLISHED anything, & I believe that a big part of being a happy, healthy, fairly normal human being is having a purpose in life: a focus.

Before I had my epiphany regarding my current stance in my own life, I really had no focus. I am in my second year of university — which is exciting, yes — but I don’t WANT to go to university here. No offence Alberta, but you are HUGELY lacking culture. & style. I am just going through the paces to get my degree… but maybe I don’t have to go through those paces here. Also, let’s talk about my current employment situation. I managed to get a job (thank GOD) but it’s just a means to an end. It’s a job to get money to buy more shit, of which I do not need. A job that I don’t even LIKE (fingers crossed my new boss NEVER reads this), to earn money that honestly won’t even make a dent in my debt load (thanks student loans….).

I wasn’t living my life, I was just going through the motions. Eating, sleeping, studying, & writing less than I want because I am too damn tired from doing the things that I hate to do the one thing that I love.

& the worst part is that I had myself convinced that all that was necessary. I NEED to work that job. I NEED to go to that school. I set limitations for myself: of course I’m not going to fucking succeed at anything worthwhile.

It’s bullshit. Life is too damn short.

So, I am doing some rearranging.

No, strike that, I am just doing SOMETHING. For once.

I am cleaning out my closet (figuratively and literally) and making a change. I have written down all my goals and one by one I hope to strike them off as I work towards uncovering my best self.

I am working towards owning and operating my own life.

There’s no room in my life for things or people I dislike. There’s no more room for bullshit exercises (shopping, eating junkfood, watching Netflix until 3 a.m., among other pointless tasks), because those things are NOT important.

I am important. ME.

I am taking active steps to morph my current lifestyle into one that I find more desirable, and hopefully makes me happier. If along the way I happen to stumble upon a chap who is daring, handsome, intelligent AND funny… Well I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

In the meantime, fuck just existing. I am going to leave my mark on this planet, whether it likes it or not.

“I’m gonna make a change for once in my life.
I’m gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right…”
Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson

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