47. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what I am doing.

I am so totally clueless when it comes to relationships.

Seriously. It’s no wonder I am alone… If I actually think about how relationship-handicapped I am it’s amazing I have ever succeeded in engaging in & maintaining a romantic connection, however unhealthy it may have been.

The truth is, I am very confused whenever I have to deal with men on a romantic level. If I like a boy, or if a boy likes me, or if I think a boy thinks that I like him… I panic. I have no idea what to do.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle feelings/conversations of the amorous variety.

& it probably shows.

I get all flustered, & start worrying about the most ridiculous scenarios. I think far too much into everything that I say, & I analyze everything he says back to the point where my sanity is seriously compromised. I agonize (relentlessly, sometimes) over what to say, & how what I say might possibly be interpreted.

My BFF recently told me I am going to start taking years off my life if I continue to maintain my current level of stress. & she’s right — as per the usual.

It’s crazy. I’m crazy. It’s unhealthy. I manage to suck the fun out of a flirty conversation because I am such a basketcase… But, really, what it all boils down to is the fact that I am not entirely comfortable in conversations with boys — especially the ones I really like.

I am nervous, & anxious, & my tongue gets tied; I care far too much about what men think of me.

Which brings me to this: Am I single because I am mystified, lost, baffled, perplexed & just plain puzzled when I’m thrust into romantic situations?

I think it’s a definite possibility.

Recently, a boy with whom I was previously “involved” (for lack of a better term) reached out to me. Now, I like him… I really do. & that kind of freaks me out because as soon as the element of affection comes in to play… I worry. I start to seriously stress about how to talk to him: what should I say? Will he think that’s stupid? Will he think that’s funny? Does he think I’m stupid? Funny? Flirty? Cute?

Yeah… I can’t handle it. I’m gonna give myself an aneurysm (if that’s even possible… Disclaimer: I’m a writer, not a doctor) from all this undue stress.

So, for any men reading this… Please be gentle when it comes to conversing with me, k?

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