A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to do a 10 kilometre run with her in the coming fall of 2014.
I immediately balked: I am not a runner, &, although there’s ample time to train my body into running 10K without my heart giving out… I know myself well enough to realize that’s never going to happen. I can’t commit to a nail polish colour for more than 24 hours… much less a 6 month fitness regimen. I don’t know if it is boredom, or lack of motivation, or just plain apprehension of the potential distress at not being able to achieve a set goal, but I’m just not great with commitment. This is why I can’t play a musical instrument, am continuously broke, & will probably remain forever alone.
Just the mere possibility of a long-term relationship freaks me out.
There was this one time, a while ago, when I thought I might end up in a relationship, & I remember having this distinct feeling in the pit of my stomach of pure, unadulterated fear. & I think the fact that I am so put-off by the thought of commitment pretty much sets me up for failure when it comes to dating. If I already know I am not predisposed to long term commitments, I am putting an end to a potential relationship before it even starts.
Am I single because of my aversion, disinclination, phobia & mild hostility towards long term romantic commitment?
Yeah. Yeah… That’s probably it.
Now, I don’t want to start going into every heterosexual situation with the intention of love, marriage, & a baby carriage: that’s not the solution to my commitment issues (& I am not a baby person). But I should definitely try to be more open-minded when the opportunity to date someone surfaces. I can’t let my fear of commitment prevent me from finding love. I need to let go of the tension I feel towards relationships… I need to let myself love.
Who knows what could happen if I actually gave commitment a chance.