92. Maybe I just need to take a step back.

“25 years & my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
for a destination…”

What’s Up, 4 Non Blondes

Well, I’ve had my semi-annual meltdown, & now that it’s out of the way & I’ve emerged relatively unscathed (thanks to two lovely ladies in my life for putting me back together — you know who you are)… I’ve got time to reflect on what made me go down the Rabbit Hole in the first place.

I know what brought it on this time — my well-meaning mum reminded me that I’m one-third of my way to being 25. The good ol’ quarter of a century… & I’ve nothing to show for it but a pair of Louboutins* & half a degree.

Depressing, am I right?

I mean, one look at my Facebook feed & my lack of success is immediately apparent. People are graduating, getting engaged (or even married), buying homes… & here I am, broke & alone & living with my parents.

Sigh.

Thanks to the crushing realization that I am making my unsuccessfulness a habit, & my neurotic personality traits that enable me to go from 0 to mental breakdown almost instantly for little to no reason, I have been out of commission the last week or so.

I’m too close to my problems, & that makes it all too easy to catastrophise. Luckily, I managed to wrench myself away, take a step back, & re-evaluate what the heck is going on with my life.

Turns out, I really don’t have it that bad. Yeah, I am not making six figures writing professionally… but that’s okay. I’m working on it. I’m a student, & I’m still writing even if nobody wants to pay me for it (yet), & even though I’m not doing EVERYTHING that I could be doing to snag my dream job… that’s still okay. Because, guess what, I’m not ready for my dream job yet.

I could drop everything & move to the big(ger) city, & take my chances on landing some sort of writing gig, & just hope like hell that it all works out. But that’s impractical, & it’s scary, & I would more likely than not have a serious mental breakdown & have to hitchhike home with my tail between my legs.

I mentioned to my BFF the other day how sometimes I wish I could fast forward to being a successful, full-grown, responsible human being just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of being an unsuccessful 20-something. Which seems like a wonderful idea sometimes… But it’s really not.

Hitting fast forward takes all the fun out of it. I have become so focused on some imaginary destination in my life that I’ve stopped enjoying & just experiencing the actual journey.

It’s better to take it slow. To make a plan. To figure out my personal steps to success, & follow them.

All I needed was to take a step back, take a deep breath, & just relax. I will get there when I get there — wherever there is.

*I now also own a pair of Manolos: that’s what I call a step in the right direction.

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