I can’t believe that at the end of this month I’m going to be starting my third year of university. It blows my mind. I never thought I would have made it this far — not because I’m not smart enough, or good enough, or (let’s face it) wealthy enough to complete a degree (thanks Government of Canada/Alberta for them student loans), but because I have trouble finishing pretty much anything I start.
I’m actually having difficulty finishing this post, to be honest.
I can’t think of anything that I’ve started & actually fully completed, barring a handful of novels or the original Super Mario Bros. I always find a way to excuse myself before I reach the finish line, & that’s why I can’t run 5K, or play the banjo, or speak fluent German; why I don’t practice yoga daily & can’t stick to a lactose-free diet for more than 5 minutes; & why I haven’t been able to see a real-life romantic relationship through from beginning to end.
I get restless & bored & maybe even a bit scared, & then instead of behaving like an adult… I just quit. Sometimes it happens well into a relationship; sometimes it happens mid-conversation. Either way it always happens.
So maybe I’ve failed to maintain a loving & fairly normal relationship because of my commitment-phobic tendencies & inability to see something, anything, through to the end?
Well, it’s definitely a contributing factor. Combined with my blatant insecurity & insatiable narcissism — relationships are going to suffer. There’s only so many quirks a guy can handle & if one of them happens to be ditching him mid-romance, I think chances of the relationship working out are slim.
If I’m going to full-on commit to something, well, someone, I think the biggest thing I’m going to have to do is actually admit that something (someone) is actually important to me. & I will have to make myself vulnerable (gross, I know) & let myself gain something I am going to be actually upset to lose.