99. Maybe it’s my social skills.

I don’t know how to… be around people that I am attracted to sometimes (or all the time, whatever).

&, as is to be expected, this can cause problems when it comes to dating, & flirting, & just conversing in general.

I bring this up because I am crushing hard on a guy I go to school with, & I am just way too socially awkward to initiate a conversation, or small talk, or do anything that normal people do when he’s around.

It’s sad, for a couple reasons. First, I’m an adult (ish) & it’s really embarrassing that the social anxiety of my teenage years continues to linger, & also because I think we would have a lot to talk about. We’re both writers, & we both go to university, & we both, um, exist?

Every time I have the opportunity to talk to him, I seize it ineffectively. The very first time I interacted with him involved me talking without thinking & him shooting me down, harshly. It is unclear if he meant it to be as harsh as it was, but for the sake of discouraging false hope I obviously have to operate on the assumption that he hates me. After that whole botched attempt at conversation happened, I just decided to lay low & admire him from afar. It was going pretty well — I felt like it was really working, until he asked out one of my good friends. I mean, she said no (of course, that’s what good friends do), but the damage was done.

This happened last semester, & since a guy asking out a girl who isn’t me is a sure sign that he just isn’t that interested in me, I had no choice but to give up all hope & wallow for an indeterminate amount of time until I eventually got over it. Well, at least I thought I was over it.

Fast forward to the current school year, & in an interesting (cruel) twist of fate the object of my past affections shares a class with me.

Lucky guy.

So far things aren’t going much better — we had a slightly less terrible interaction, but not by much. We made eye contact a couple days ago which was exhilarating. I mean, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know my name, but we’re working on it. We’ll get there one day, maybe, probably not.

The good news is, he’s in the one class I am in this semester where I don’t sound like a raging idiot & actually have a clue what’s going on, so the chances of us having a somewhat positive interaction are better than, you know, 0%.

Things are looking up, folks.

Going into this year, I told myself that it’s going to be different.This year I will not get in my own way, something I’ve tended to do in the past.

I just need to allow myself to be myself, & know that if this guy is the right guy, that’s going to be good enough.


What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s