I’ve been having an entire month of the mondays.
I know it’s a combination of school stress and me being a drama queen, but it’s really turning my life upside down. I’ve been struggling a lot with my identity lately — just having my semi-annual existential crisis, or whatever. My mid-midlife crisis continued — it’s no big deal. You know those days where you just feel like you’re a terrible writer, but writing is what you want to do as a career, so you just can’t help but feel like the world is ending? You know.
Yeah, I’ve been having one of those days. Every day. For a month. It’s rough. I wake up every morning questioning my life choices, & when I lay my head down to sleep those same critical thoughts invade my brain, reminding me that I really don’t have any clue what the hell I’m doing.
It’s all very dramatic.
All I’ve ever wanted to do is become a professional writer, but at this rate I’m going give myself a heart attack before I even get published.
I had a meltdown while trying to write a short story, & since then I’ve spent a lot of time wallowing, hating myself, listening to Taylor Swift (& crying, obviously), & eating Halloween candy until I actually want to vomit. I mean, none of that is healthy for me mentally (or physically, either). I can’t imagine it’s doing anything positive for me romantically.
Am I alone because of my tendency to reach for dramatic extremes (& miniature chocolate bars) in the face of personal/professional struggles?
Yeah. Well. I don’t think it’s helping. I’m so stressed out right now that even the mere thought of dating someone seems exhausting. & any dude in his right mind knows that actually dating me right now would be an absolute nightmare; I can barely tweet something without questioning my authorial merit & bursting into tears, much less have a relationship.
I can’t stand myself right now, so I really don’t expect anybody else to.
I need to rein in the theatrics, & kick my over-dramatic behaviour to the curb. Maybe once I calm down a bit & start functioning on a normal emotional level I can consider some healthy male company.
Until then, I’m going to abuse iTunes’ repeat feature, & listen to T Swift until I love myself.