114. Maybe it’s because I’m comfortable.

My favourite holiday of all time is coming up this week, & I am extra excited this year because I get to spend it with my BFF–to say I’m really looking forward to it would be a serious understatement.

It’s not like we’re doing anything too crazy–just dinner (her boyfriend was thoughtful enough to book us a reservation) & then heading to a friend’s place for a chill & adult celebration. But it is going to be special because we get to spend it together.

I’ve got an entire day of pampering planned: Starbucks, spray tans, getting our hair & nails did… I might even throw in breakfast at Cora’s, if time permits.

& then, off to dinner. He made a reservation for 4 people (he’s an optimist) & it’s left me with bit of a dilemma: who to bring?

My BFF’s BF suggested I bring a dude I’m kind of into… which is a really good idea–in theory. In practice, it means that I have to, um, ask said dude & make myself, oh you know, vulnerable.

Way too scary, if you ask me. On the list of things I am severely uncomfortable doing, asking a boy I like to do something even remotely romantic with me is pretty up there. This got me thinking: am I single because I am uncomfortable being pushed out of my comfort zone?

I’ve been single for what feels like forever, & perhaps I’ve grown too satisfied with my continued solo status. I’m almost afraid to disrupt the careful balance of my lifestyle–like even taking a small step towards a relationship is too much for me to handle.

This brings me back to the metaphorical crossroads: who to bring to New Year’s Eve dinner? The boy I kinda fucking like or my platonic male friend?

Right now, platonic is outweighing romantic: my fear of rejection & my complacency are keeping me way in my comfort zone. I don’t know if I am ready to feel vulnerable, & I don’t want to ruin the perfect NYE by being an absolute basket case.

So, sorry mystery boy who I could easily fall in love with: there’s always next year.


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