People love to talk about themselves–I know I do anyway. I mean, I’ve got an entire website dedicated to the inner workings of my life… I’m pretty much obsessed with sharing every little thing about me. I have no qualms discussing my sexual exploits, bowel movements, or the great deal I got on a pair of shoeties last spring.
I like telling stories–I’m a writer, it’s what I do. & if they happen to be about me & my life–ha! Even better.
I think I have a pretty good handle on this sharing thing: I am almost too good at it. My conversations are ripe with overly-detailed stories of hilarious sexual encounters, embarrassing drunken escapades, & perfectly-formed post-fibre poops. I share–a lot. At least, I thought I did.
In an intense conversation with a friend (my new BFF, according to unreliable sources) discussing disclosure, she pointed out to me that I am not as share-y as I seem to think. Yeah, I’ll talk about the little stuff: sex, school, work, the blog. I’ll even throw some medium stuff in for good measure, on occasion: my body issues, my fear of unsuccess (& even success, sometimes, too), my inability to gain & maintain a serious relationship. But when it comes to the big things, the really real stuff, the issues I keep deep down in the crevices of my brain… those I’m not too keen on bringing up.
I am perfectly fine with “surface-sharing”, it’s the nitty gritty things, the game-changing, relationship-changing, impossible-to-get-back-once-they-are-out-there pieces of information that I tend to keep to myself.
My sharing (or lack-thereof) is most obvious in interactions with the opposite sex. Thinking back, it is particularly apparent at that crossroads in a new relationship–we all know the one: you go down one road & the friendship is taken from a friendship to a “friendship” (wink wink, nudge nudge) & if you go down the other, the one riddled with full disclosure… that’s where you begin to build an unbreakable emotional bond with some real romantic potential.
I am more than okay with physical intimacy–I actually prefer it to the scary emotional disclosure that comes with a full-blown romantic connection, & that’s a problem.
Full disclosure, combined with a physical connection, is what elevates a relationship; it gives it meaning beyond that of a normal friendship or a fuck buddy.
I guess if I want to get into a healthy relationship, I’m just going to have to learn how to share.