155. Maybe it’s because I’m seriously emotionally damaged.

When I was 19, I thought I was in love. & I actually thought I had been in love for years before that–since a 10th grade English class, when I was thrown into a group by chance & met a boy. He was tall, with olive skin stretched across high cheekbones, thick brows topping his hooded, kind, & dark, dark, dark brown eyes, & he made me laugh. He made me laugh & he was nice to me at a time when not a lot of other people were… something that became a theme of our friendship.

He was a great friend–he was my best friend.

I loved him & he loved me, but he never loved me the way I wanted him to… no matter how hard I thought I tried. & when we were both 19 (or actually, the day before he turned 20) we moved into a house he had bought, a house I had thought would be the house he’d fall in love with me (finally) in.

He didn’t, because I left, & because of other things as well. Or maybe he did, & I left anyway. I don’t know–I have the privilege of remembering the things I want to remember & dulling the things that I don’t want to. I decided one day, after 5 years of friendship, & 3 months of living together, & 2 weeks of him neglecting to talk to me, to leave. I woke up that morning living in a room down the hall from his & I fell asleep that night in my parents’ place, curled up under the love of my mother & away from all the things that I thought were causing me pain.

& it’s not something I wish I could change (because it’s an action that led me to be the person I am today) but it is something I wish I could change, still. I wish I could take the maturity I have now & just slap my past self with it: tell myself, no, stop, WAIT. Think. Don’t do.

But it’s done. & it effected me in ways that I never really let myself realize.

Until now.

I haven’t had a meaningful relationship, platonic or otherwise, with a dude since him. It’s embarrassing to admit, maybe, but I don’t care. I hold guys at an arm’s length. I don’t like to connect with men unless they are blatantly non-threatening or unavailable. I don’t like to set myself up in a situation that might result in something more than just distant, one-sided, affection. That’s the reason I pine after Barista Boy, or that guy in class who I’ve never talked to, or my friends. Because deep down I know nothing’s ever gonna come of it, so I don’t have to relive the same pain I experienced when I was a teenager, barely an adult, & had no idea what I was doing.

I put myself in situations that I know won’t result in anything… because emotionally I just can’t handle it.

It’s a goddamn defence mechanism, & the reason why I’m alone.

 

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2 thoughts on “155. Maybe it’s because I’m seriously emotionally damaged.

  1. You got out. Good for you. I haven’t. 12 years. And counting. 12 years of pining. Of cheating on good men for a dream. OF tears and heartbreak, and wondering why he won’t come over, or talk to me. Why he disappears. Why he’ll be there for me when I really drastically need someone to rescue me, but not when I just want a tender touch or a voice to tell me that it will be okay.
    I hope this boy never told you he loved you.
    Because I’ve had this one whisper, “I love you right now.” into my ear while lying beside me.
    And it haunts every dream I have.
    12 years.

    • Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Ashley. It makes me feel less regret. Like, maybe I did do the right thing… even if I did it in the wrong way. It still hurts (a lot) when I think about him, because I miss him (so much). But I think this hurt is a better hurt… because it’s a more concrete one. It’s something I can hold on to & know is real. Versus the more abstract one, the one where I just had no idea where I stood, whether I was good enough, or even if he really cared about me (sometimes). Did he tell me he loved me? Yeah, he did. He did it a lot, too. & every single time it gave me hope that he was in love with me.
      I still think about that sometimes.
      I’m sorry for you situation & I can only hope that I spurn you to take action. Tell him how you feel & see what happens. That’s what I wish I had done.

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