163. Maybe it’s because I’m guarded.

 

People always leave. Always. So, in order to protect myself, I started leaving first. It gives me a (false) sense of control—like, you can’t hurt me because I’m not going to let you get close enough to even be able to.

It’s lonely.

You can’t walk away from me if I’ve already got one foot out the door. The logic is sound, but the fact of the matter is if I’m always half-in, half-out of things I’ll never be able to fully commit to anything. & by anything I mean a serious, monogamous, adult relationship—one with all the fixin’s. One with arguments, PDA, comfortable silences, &, eventually—dare I say it—capital-L Love.

Yikes.

It’s been a long time since I let myself be vulnerable with anybody other than my BFF, much less a boy. Much less a boy who I like—as in, like-like. Sharing my feelings? No thanks—that’s far too scary. Baring my soul? Naw. Baring my body is way easier than actually stopping for a second to think about what the fuck is going on inside my head, & then communicating that to the other person, & then having a mature conversation about what’s happening.

Physical intimacy is easy. Letting somebody in–all the way in–isn’t.

I thought that I’d deconstructed most of the walls I put up, but every once in a while something happens that reminds me that, nope, they’re still there. I’m still guarded. I’m just more aware of it now—usually. Other times I don’t even know I’m doing ridiculous, ultra-careful, extra-cautious things to avoid being emotionally exposed. I shut down—it’s a defense mechanism, an instinct, & it’s so ingrained in my psyche that I don’t realize ‘til way later that by being an emotionally-guarded mess I inadvertently sabotage intimacy before it’s even had a chance to start.

I’ve always been shy, but this runs deeper than that–I have full-blown intimacy issues.

Sometimes what I’m thinking/feeling & what I physically do/say don’t match up, & that’s my own damn fault. I get confused–I mistake physical intimacy for emotional intimacy, & when I’m trying to indicate that I enjoy a male person’s company the only way I know how is, uh, hands-on.

I bypass important milestones like demure goodnight kisses, hand-holding, & casual dates, instead going straight for adult sleepovers. I want all those things, but I’m afraid of making myself vulnerable–I’m scared of putting myself out there & getting nothing in return.

I’m terrified I’ll never have a meaningful relationship because I pull the trigger too fast. What if men never take me seriously because of my emotional disabilities? Maybe the real reason I’m alone is because I don’t even know how to just be with another person.

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