2.3 Maybe it’s because I’m not ready.

Hi, it’s me, remember me? The girl who’s on-again, off-again relationship with this blog is  (hopefully) back on–at least for the summer.

It’s been a busy few months for this girl. I moved to Vancouver Island, made it through the first year of my graduate degree, and somehow managed to feed myself at least twice a day.

When I first got to the Island, for reasons that aren’t worth going in to just yet (maybe never), I was anti-man. More anti-man than I’ve ever been before. I was disgusted at the thought of dating. I was disgusted at the thought of sharing my life, of sharing myself ever again. I think it’s because I made it so far away from myself in my last “relationship” and I was terrified of having that happen again. Things went real sour, more sour than I let myself realize… at least, until I was sitting alone on my couch on an island watching the Food Network on repeat. I looked down at myself, really looked at myself, and realized “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Yikes.

Thankfully, I had school to focus on. And building a new life in beautiful BC was a lovely distraction as well. The first… four months were brutal. I was lonely and scared and all I did was eat and cry (not necessarily in that order, sometimes simultaneously) and if I thought I’d hit rock bottom before, well, at that point I was… what’s below rock bottom? Whatever that is, that’s what I was. And as shitty as that whole experience turned out to be, I’m real glad it happened because now, after another four months, I’ve never felt better in my life. I mean, stressed over school? Yes. Anxious about the two rejections I’ve received this week? Absolutely. Am I struggling with self-worth? Um, daily. But none of those things add up to anything that makes me feel less than myself. It’s like, these things are adding up to who I am, not competing with it.

So, I guess the real question is… am I ready to date again?

I want to say yes, because I’m lonely as fuck and I miss having someone to go to dinner with. But I know the real answer is no.

I know that because as much as I feel strong, and independent, and… myself, I also know that I still haven’t spent enough time alone, yet. Not alone like… not dating. And not alone like… marooned on an island. Alone as in just in a relationship with me, myself, and I.

Because the more I get to know me again… The more I actually really like the girl I’ve become. And I don’t want to ruin that with some ding dong boy who won’t appreciate me. ‘Cause I’ve been there, done that, and I ain’t ever going there or doing that again.

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